


Assistant Director Walter Skinner

by thebasement_archivist



Category: The X-Files
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 1999-09-30
Updated: 1999-09-30
Packaged: 2018-11-20 06:57:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,944
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11330796
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thebasement_archivist/pseuds/thebasement_archivist
Summary: Note from alice ttlg, the archivist: this story was originally archived atThe Basement, which moved to the AO3 to ensure the stories are always available and so that authors may have complete control of their own works. To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in June 2017. I e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address onThe Basement's collection profile.





	Assistant Director Walter Skinner

**Author's Note:**

> Note from alice ttlg, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [The Basement](http://fanlore.org/wiki/The_Basement), which moved to the AO3 to ensure the stories are always available and so that authors may have complete control of their own works. To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in June 2017. I e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [The Basement's collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/thebasement/profile).

 

Assistant Director Walter Skinner by Jill Morrison

TITLE: Assistant Director Walter Skinner  
AUTHOR: Jill Morrison  
SPOILERS: Not a one!  
RATING: R  
ARCHIVE: ArchiveX, all others, let me know;-)  
DISCLAIMER: I asked CC if they could be mine, but he hasn't replied, so I guess they're not. <g>  
THANK YOUs: UnChuck, for flawless beta reading as always, and RavenXI for laughing.  
Umm. I think I'll use this space to apologize profusely for the following story. I'm not sure quite why I feel compelled to do these things to my favorite characters, but if it makes you feel any better, Skinner is not the first, nor will he be the last.  
This one runs the gamut, folks: a 'first time' slash, het elements, even a completely insignificant unsolved X-File. Oh, and I used a few bad words for added dimension. No plot to speak of. Please forgive me now.   
Comments! You love to give 'em, I love to get 'em! 

* * *

Assistant Director Walter Skinner  
By Jill Morrison

Walter Skinner strode through the doors of the J. Edgar Hoover Building with the air of a man you don't want to fuck with. He noted with barely suppressed glee the way in which junior agents and other assorted subordinates scrambled to get out of his way as he marched purposefully toward his office. Skinner glared at the two press aides who entered the elevator ahead of him until they backed out again, the doors almost closing over the second drone's shirtfront. And did Assistant Director Walter Skinner feel the slightest twinge of guilt over his actions? No! He was 6'3'', built like a house, and dammit, he *got laid*.

That thought amused the A.D. endlessly.

Sometimes Assistant Director Walter Skinner wondered what life was like for those plebes who weren't as masculine as he. Sometimes he even tried to imagine himself in their places. But not for long. The concept of low testosterone levels made his head hurt. And besides, he was not a man of thoughts! He was A.D. Skinner, FBI, man of action!

"Good morning, Kim." Skinner greeted his secretary briefly before heading toward his office. He wondered if she could feel his manly disregard. For a brief while, Kim had been one of the women with whom Skinner had gotten some. But that had changed abruptly when she'd shown up for work three months ago wearing a chastity belt. Skinner tugged at the waist of his pants, an empowering, manly gesture. He'd considered firing her briefly, but then realised that since everyone still thought they were getting laid, he needn't change the situation. The fact that Kim couldn't do him anymore would not reflect poorly on her, since no one knew about it. In fact, the more the A.D. thought on it, the more he realized he was doing her a favor by preserving her cover. Yes, Kim and Scully too. His favorite female agent had called in a week ago to inform him that her mother was now making her wear a chastity belt as well, and that he should take his 'medical examiner' elsewhere. It was a crying shame, really, that the only two available women on the series were both wearing chastity belts. Now, he couldn't have sex with either employee, and he felt heartily sorry for the both of them. 

Yes, he knew what not having sex with Walter Skinner was like, though you'd never be able to guess it by his stoic facade. When he'd been ten years old, (a tender age for most, but Skinner wasn't like other men), he'd contracted a case of chicken pox. Not only did it keep him from socializing, and thereby confirming to the world his sexual prowess, but he'd had to wear mittens too. Supposedly they were to keep him from scratching, but what they'd really done was keep him from hugging little Walter. Yes, Skinner knew what it was like to not have sex with himself, and he felt only the deepest of sympathies for Kim and Dana because they could not have sex with him either.

~~*~~

Mulder was in Skinner's office, waiting for his boss with no small amount of trepidation. He'd practiced drawing his gun for the first half hour he'd been kept waiting, but quit after he'd worked his drop to draw ratio down to three drops for every five draws. 

Now he was seated at the A.D.'s desk, trembling in anticipation. He couldn't wait to tell the news to Skinner. 

The news in question being that Mulder had received a video on his doorstep early that morning. He'd been woken up, in fact, by a knock, followed by a muffled asthmatic laugh, and had gone to open his door. Standing in the foyer as he bent to pick up the tape on his doorstep, Mulder's nose was assaulted by the harsh scent of tobacco smoke, but he'd quickly forgotten that fact as he played the tape on his VCR. What he saw horrified him.

Through the crappy resolution of the tape, Mulder could make out a horribly deformed neon rodent, which, aside from being bipedal, was also immortal. Mulder leapt to his feet, grabbing gun, car keys, and FBI badge in one fell swoop. There was no time to waste on breakfast or a call to Scully - that tape, with its recording of the creature and cryptic narration that would have done Mr. X proud, was irrefutable proof of a government plot to genetically engineer the perfect rodent using alien technology. It had to be stopped. 

The door to the office burst open, and Skinner stalked in, walking as if there was something wrong with his butt. Mulder didn't waste any time on preliminaries.

"Sir, I received a tape today which proves the existence of extra-terrestrial involvement in genetic experiments sanctioned by our government. I need official approval to open an X-file on a rabbit that keeps going and going..."

Skinner stared across the desk at his agent, eyes locking onto Mulder's. //I could do ya,// he thought, giving the agent his best 'hardass' stare.

Mulder looked at his boss hopefully. *Shit!* Skinner was staring straight at him, biting the corner of his lip in that "God dammit, Mulder, I was in the *Nam!*" expression he often wore when he wasn't sure if Mulder was trying to pull something over on him. It looked as though he wouldn't be investigating the Chernobyl bunny after all. 

"Agent Mulder," Skinner said. "Are you aware of the fact that I am the most sexually dominant male on this TV series?"

Mulder almost choked on his own tongue. "*What?*" he managed to squeak out.

"Yes Mulder, it's true," Skinner said with a barely repressed sigh of satisfaction. "You may laugh behind my back at my bald head, wire frame glasses, and severe wardrobe, but let me tell you, they're signs of a dominant man, and the fans know it."

"Sir, I..." The other man cut Mulder short with a severe shake of his head.

"No more talking, agent. It's time I taught you to obey orders."

Mulder realized that no amount of reasoning would move the A.D. at this point. It was time to break out the MulderBuster(tm) Secret Weapon. "But Si-ir..." His whine pierced the air like a closetful of mice on helium.

"Mulder," Skinner intoned, "You could drive shards of glass into my exposed testicles and it wouldn't crack my manly exterior."

Mulder visibly paled. He lowered his eyes in resignation. God, he hated to do this, he really *hated* to do this, but the A.D. left him little choice. He drew a deep breath. He'd need it.

"Sir, I respectfully disagree with you. Throughout my work on the X-files, I have encountered indestructible proof that extra-terrestrial life exists and has visited this planet. Sir, all you need to do is take a look at the world around you. Consider, for instance, the Jerry Springer show! Do you think that mere human beings could engineer anything approaching that spectacle? And yet our government continually denies, in fact is deeply involved with, a massive cover-up designed to conceal the existence of that very phenomenon! Sir, you and I both know it's true, and yet you continue to avert your eyes at every opportunity to expose the truth because you're afraid of jeopradizing your position!" Mulder could feel the stultifying weight of his words bludgeon the A.D. like a wind blowing at gale force. Hah! He'd just gotten started. Out of the corner of his eye, Mulder noticed a telltale white cylinder lying on the A.D.'s desk. He bent, picked it up, and brandished it in Skinner's face like a weapon. "Sir, you can't deny that that's true, nor can you deny the fact that the smoking bastard was in here, helping you do it. No, don't deny it; I have proof right here!" 

The look which currently graced the A.D's face derailed Mulder's soliloquy more neatly than any fan's exhausted groans could have done. "Mulder," Skinner began in a foreign tone of voice Mulder couldn't identify, "That's a tampon."

Mulder's eyes shot out of his head. "Judas Priest!" he hollered, and hurled the offending object against the wall with enough force that it cracked the glass covering Skinner's framed picture of Janet Reno. "Sir?" he ventured cautiously, "Why did you have a tampon sitting on your desk?"

"What!" Skinner yelped, the picture of masculine outrage. "You dare to question me?!?" Mulder's look of patented disgust and confusion didn't change, forcing Skinner to grind his teeth until little flecks of enamel showered onto the desk in front of him. "You think you have it hard, Agent Mulder? You think you've been through more crap than any other member of the FBI? Well let me tell you, Agent, you *don't* have it hard. When I was still a junior agent, my superior officer beat the living creation out of me, shoved a banana through my eye socket, pushed me off of a bridge, and shot me repeatedly while I fell to an almost certain watery death. And did I cry? No! I never cry, unless I'm showing my feminine side and then it's on purpose and it doesn't count. I'm tough, Agent Mulder. And no matter what the DDEB might think, you wouldn't know tough if it grabbed you by the pantywaist and twisted you around its head like a Kansas cyclone."

"Sir?" Mulder asked carefully. He was a little frightened. Normally, when Mulder requested permission to open a case, Skinner would stare at him for half an hour like he beat up old ladies. Then the Director would get up, flex his muscles, and if Mulder managed to look appropriately awed he'd usually get the case. Usually, but not, it seemed, today. 

"Give me one good reason not to neutralize you, Mulder."

"Um... I can beat up Krycek..." he ventured hopefully.

Skinner snorted, nostrils flaring in a manly fashion. "Mulder, my granny could beat up Krycek!"

"Sir! I'm ashamed of you. Your character doesn't have a grandmother! You don't even have a family aside from your wife, and look what happened to her! You never refer to your personal life! Stay in character!"

"Yes, Agent," Skinner began, "I do believe you're correct. The *real* Assistant Director Walter Skinner would never openly display tender feelings for a female family member."

Mulder wasn't quite sure what Skinner meant by this, but he figured it was a step in the right direction. He adopted his most frank and imploring facial expression. "Now, Sir, about the case. From the information leaked to me, it is clear that an inside source on the highest levels of government wants the facts brought to light. Sir, the truth needs to be exposed."

"Agent Mulder," Skinner intoned, "Have you ever been with another man?"

Mulder relaxed visibly. "Well," he said, not making eye contact, and coyly tracing his foot along the floor, "Krycek *did* kiss me once, but anyway, about the case. Scully thinks that..."

"Scully? What about Scully?" the A.D. demanded. "What did she tell you?"

"Nothing! Sir, I haven't even spoken to her about the tape yet."

"Good." A crafty gleam shone in Skinner's eyes. He sighed, squaring his shoulders, hoping Mulder found them to be sufficiently broad. "Agent Mulder, against my better judgement, I have something I'd like to show you." And with that he shoved a tax audit across the desk at Mulder. The agent, he noted happily, bought it, hook, line, and sinker. //But,// Skinner reflected, //that's hardly surprising, considering it's the lot of every physically unimposing character in fanfic.// With an ease born of long experience, Skinner ripped off Mulder's clothing as the agent bent down to examine the paper. In true Assistant Director fashion, he simultaneously impressed Mulder with his virility while subduing any opposition from the other man by virtue of his physically imposing presence. Yes, things were so much easier for the dominant man in a series.

~~*~~

Five hours (and twelve successive orgasms later) Skinner was still plugging away at Mulder. He hoped the agent was suitably impressed with this unnatural and slightly freakish display of his massive virility. "Well, Agent Mulder," he grunted out, teeth still clenched in his trademark Hardass! expression, "What do you think of that?"

Mulder craned his neck around, facing Skinner as best he could. The S&M restraints Skinner had expertly crafted from his belt and some spare bootlaces chaffed against his skin. "Think of what, Sir? I don't see that there's anything else to discuss. I've already proven beyond a doubt that extra-terrestrial life exists, even *thrives* on this planet while the majority of its population goes about life completely unaware of the signs right under their noses."

A few more splinters of enamel flew from Skinner's teeth as he clenched them more firmly. "Anything *else* you'd like to comment on, Agent?"

Mulder considered carefully for a moment. "I hate Spender?" he offered up hopefully. 

"No, Agent Mulder," the A.D. growled. "Don't you have anything to say about *me,* about how you've never had a rougher screw in your life?"

"We've been having sex?" Mulder asked.

"Having sex?!?" Skinner snarled, teeth almost impacted by the pressure he was applying to them at the moment. "Your bravado won't work here, Agent. I know you've never had a more painful yet strangely satisfying fuck in your life."

"Well, *I* haven't felt anything," Mulder pouted. "I didn't even realize you were having sex with me."

Skinner turned as red as he could manage without the help of a makeup expert. "Haven't felt anything?!? I measure at least 10.13 inches long, and my girth alone feels like it could split you asunder. Admit it!"

"Okay, forget the case," Mulder said. "I want to talk to Scully."

Normally, that response would have prompted Skinner to regulate on Mulder's ass, as would any self-respecting man, but he was momentarily distracted by the hordes of jet black helicopters amassing outside of his windows. //Yes,// Skinner reflected, //They always send in the black ops to disguise massive plot holes.// No matter. He was, after all, Assistant Director Walter Skinner, and no person in the building would ever be a match for *him.*

Skinner was so caught up in physically punishing Mulder despite the Agent's half-hearted and rather feeble entreaties to stop that he didn't notice when his office windows were shot out. When the black-clothed men rappelled down the front of the Hoover building, he didn't raise a finger. They might have semi-automatics, but Skinner was sure that, given the chance, he could take any one of them. Or all of them. To bed. In order to prove this to his new company, Skinner treated Mulder to what he hoped was an appropriately vicious and masculine thrust. Mulder grunted (his head had hit the table) and Skinner was glad that this time there was an audience capable of appreciating how dominant and rough he was in bed.

"Sir, If I may..." Mulder began, hoping to bring the conversation back around to his X-File. This new attempt at a flaky and potentially boring soliloquy was brought to an abrupt halt as Skinner shoved a ball gag, freshly produced from his pocket, into Mulder's mouth. He'd been waiting for just such an opportunity to employ the device. Yes, impressing a willing audience with one's flawless command of cliched sex toys was a hallmark Skinner enjoyed employing time and time again in bad fanfic.

"Mr. Skinner," the CSM began, lighting a cigarette he'd skanked from the A.D.'s ashtray, then quickly putting it down again after realizing it was a tampon, "as you can see, we have you completely surrounded. You have no choice but to comply with my demands." Boy, he sure hoped no one had noticed that little incident with the tampon.

"Comply? Wait a few minutes and I'll teach *all* of you how to 'comply.'" Skinner continued to thrust away into an otherwise unimpressed Mulder.

"You want to play games, Mr. Skinner? You think you're the top man in this series?" The CSM's voice rose dangerously. "Well try this on for size: I AM EVERYONE'S FATHER!!!"

Failing even to solicit a steely stare from the A.D., the CSM turned and calmly exited from the main door to the office. The day was young. He could still scare the living piss out Spender. 

"Yep," said Skinner, eyeing up the back of his nemesis as he retreated through the doors. "I could do ya, too." 

Jill Made This! What's that addy again? <g>

(c) January 6th, 1999 


End file.
